The gentleman in question was upstairs in the smallest room dropping his fudge. He managed to produce a floater that stubbornly resisted all attempts to send it on it's way to the nation's sewers. After half an hour or so of fruitless flushing, his desperation led to him searching for an alternate method of disposal - obviously not wanting to leave it in the bin, he opted to fling it out the window. On completing his toilette and venturing forth downstairs to join the assembled throng he was met with a deadly silence - the toilet in question was above the conservatory and the produce of his bowels was merrily sliding down the glass roof in full view of everyone in the room.
My personal highlight came at the age of about 10 in our kitchen, whereby I followed through in glorious fashion after forcing out a particulary awful fart with all my might. Knowing that I'd done some serious damage I shuffled upstairs to the toilet for some damage limitation. Not knowing what to do with my dirty kegs I lobbed them out the window (recurring theme here), where they became lodged in the house creeper above our back door. My dad had to get them down with a ladder and a bamboo cane. I thought I'd got away with it for a while as well :(
Apols for length of post!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wellll......
This is one of those friend-of-a-friend things but:
This lad was dating this girl & after a night out brought her back to his house (his folks being away). So they started getting busy on the sofa and as the heat rose, he suggested they might like to try the 'other hole'. Moments later, he was earning his brown wings when he popped out. On removal of his todger from said orrifice, her bowels decided to evacuate, widely and in quantity.
He ended up escorting her home and then spent the rest of the night trying to clean the family 3 piece suite, carpet etc - but to little overall success.
In the morning, his parents returned home to find their living room soiled. Our lad explained that it was the (aging) family dog who had made the mess overnight.
Anyways, the next day the lad returns from a trip out to see his folks standing in porch, when they then explain to him that the family dog had had to be put down (now that he can't control himself etc).
Straight to hell for that one...
This lad was dating this girl & after a night out brought her back to his house (his folks being away). So they started getting busy on the sofa and as the heat rose, he suggested they might like to try the 'other hole'. Moments later, he was earning his brown wings when he popped out. On removal of his todger from said orrifice, her bowels decided to evacuate, widely and in quantity.
He ended up escorting her home and then spent the rest of the night trying to clean the family 3 piece suite, carpet etc - but to little overall success.
In the morning, his parents returned home to find their living room soiled. Our lad explained that it was the (aging) family dog who had made the mess overnight.
Anyways, the next day the lad returns from a trip out to see his folks standing in porch, when they then explain to him that the family dog had had to be put down (now that he can't control himself etc).
Straight to hell for that one...
Monday, October 13, 2008
I shit myself in a department store once...
I once ate a prawn sub that had been festering on a warm desk at work all day. I had mega cramps and felt really, really ill, and when I left work, I needed to crap NOW. Fortunately, my office was near the town centre, so I nipped into House of Fraser to use their loo. I was stopped by my friend who works for Lancôme, to say hello, and I couldn't exactly say "can I go now before I shit myself" I made it up the escalator, to the toilet, and sat down. Did nothing but fart. Thanks very much.
I came out again, thanking my lucky stars I just had gas. Got near the stairs down, and a wave of cramps rippled my gut like a tsunami. I needed to go NOW again. I made it back to the toilet, and I went. And I mean, I WENT. I sat on the crapper for ages. I felt horrible. I was sitting there wondering whether it was worth trying to get home, when a couple of women came in. I stayed put, especially when one of them said, "EEEE, doesn't it smell nasty in 'ere? Have they never heard of air freshener?".
I got cleaned up after I was sure they'd left, and I went outside and phoned Mr Dominocat and asked him if he would come and pick me up in the car, because I thought I might not make it home on the bus... He said okay, and told me to wait outside the main entrance, and he would be there in 10 mins. Too long! I needed to go NOW again. I went back towards the escalators, and felt something go. I went then. And boy, did I stink. I had shit dribbling down my legs, and I felt awful. I made it to the toilet, and tried to clean myself up a bit. I sat there giving birth to something between niagara falls and a chocolate machine, when my mobile rings. Hubby says "where are you - I'm outside and parked on a yellow line" I say "I'm on the crapper" and there are chuckles from the other stalls. With tremendous rectal willpower, I made it to the car, and we go home. I have diarrhoea for about 3 days solid. Except it wasn't solid at all...
I came out again, thanking my lucky stars I just had gas. Got near the stairs down, and a wave of cramps rippled my gut like a tsunami. I needed to go NOW again. I made it back to the toilet, and I went. And I mean, I WENT. I sat on the crapper for ages. I felt horrible. I was sitting there wondering whether it was worth trying to get home, when a couple of women came in. I stayed put, especially when one of them said, "EEEE, doesn't it smell nasty in 'ere? Have they never heard of air freshener?".
I got cleaned up after I was sure they'd left, and I went outside and phoned Mr Dominocat and asked him if he would come and pick me up in the car, because I thought I might not make it home on the bus... He said okay, and told me to wait outside the main entrance, and he would be there in 10 mins. Too long! I needed to go NOW again. I went back towards the escalators, and felt something go. I went then. And boy, did I stink. I had shit dribbling down my legs, and I felt awful. I made it to the toilet, and tried to clean myself up a bit. I sat there giving birth to something between niagara falls and a chocolate machine, when my mobile rings. Hubby says "where are you - I'm outside and parked on a yellow line" I say "I'm on the crapper" and there are chuckles from the other stalls. With tremendous rectal willpower, I made it to the car, and we go home. I have diarrhoea for about 3 days solid. Except it wasn't solid at all...
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