I shit myself in a department store once...

I once ate a prawn sub that had been festering on a warm desk at work all day. I had mega cramps and felt really, really ill, and when I left work, I needed to crap NOW. Fortunately, my office was near the town centre, so I nipped into House of Fraser to use their loo. I was stopped by my friend who works for Lancôme, to say hello, and I couldn't exactly say "can I go now before I shit myself" I made it up the escalator, to the toilet, and sat down. Did nothing but fart. Thanks very much.

I came out again, thanking my lucky stars I just had gas. Got near the stairs down, and a wave of cramps rippled my gut like a tsunami. I needed to go NOW again. I made it back to the toilet, and I went. And I mean, I WENT. I sat on the crapper for ages. I felt horrible. I was sitting there wondering whether it was worth trying to get home, when a couple of women came in. I stayed put, especially when one of them said, "EEEE, doesn't it smell nasty in 'ere? Have they never heard of air freshener?".

I got cleaned up after I was sure they'd left, and I went outside and phoned Mr Dominocat and asked him if he would come and pick me up in the car, because I thought I might not make it home on the bus... He said okay, and told me to wait outside the main entrance, and he would be there in 10 mins. Too long! I needed to go NOW again. I went back towards the escalators, and felt something go. I went then. And boy, did I stink. I had shit dribbling down my legs, and I felt awful. I made it to the toilet, and tried to clean myself up a bit. I sat there giving birth to something between niagara falls and a chocolate machine, when my mobile rings. Hubby says "where are you - I'm outside and parked on a yellow line" I say "I'm on the crapper" and there are chuckles from the other stalls. With tremendous rectal willpower, I made it to the car, and we go home. I have diarrhoea for about 3 days solid. Except it wasn't solid at all...